Where is My Mind?

This is not about not needing people. This is about leaning on those who are wrong for you. People come in and out of your life quickly, and those who stay are supposed to be the ones you can count on. The thing is that people come and go out of your life for different reasons, some your fault sometimes unbeknownst to you. My second biggest problem is I cannot identify these types of people; the ones who stay because they see something great in you and the ones that stay because they have nowhere else to go. It is not always about you, even if it seems so. My biggest problem is that I rely on people to do things for me: Help me with an idea, start a business venture with me, be a partner or go all in with me on ideas. Either I haven't found my person to do that with, or I am much too reliant on others to get a job I want done. Even writing that last bit gave me a feeling that I didn't particularly like. Because I know it is true, if I want to do something I should do it myself.

Low and behold I have found the Christmas spirit, hiding in a dim corner of my mind where I haven't visited in years. It is warm and smells of cider; it is unbearable. I quickly leave and return to thoughts that only slow me down. There is a sort of comfort in disappointing people around you; once there is nothing left people don't expect anything from you. It is a relief, a weight off of your shoulders. But that kind of ruthless act of selfishness takes courage that most don't have. Others would rather sit in a puddle of their unhappiness and splash complaints around that reveal truer emotions. My advice is to say fuck it all. Be courageous and take that leap of faith to the other side, a place where you and only you matter. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlkTmdF0tT4

I've had a clear moment of thought brought on by indulging in an interesting conversation. Going through my thoughts and goals I have found a pattern of brevity. I want to fit as much life experiences as I can. To contrast I want a focus and a certain ideal to drive me, albeit nothing eccentric or expensive. And the simple answer is pride. Maybe that isn't the correct word, but I would like to feel good about what I do. I am diverging on a road meant for people who are portrayed as unhappy or unfulfilled. The next step in my career is a bank or fund in which I can trade the markets or analyze them. This seems, to me, a useless endeavor which will inevitably only lead to more stress and work. And I believe that the function of man is not to work but to achieve great feats for the betterment of society. Which is in itself a difficult task that is not laid out for everyone, most people seem to exist simply to survive; that is a life I do not care to live. Writing financial rep

I'm a third party. I observe, I question and abate the answers. I can tell you very few things for sure. I can rattle off finance and trading jargon, examples and theories. But I doubt anyone would like that. I can tell you for a fact very few things. But I will say that we as a generation, my generation are losing touch. We don't know why we are here, what to do, or how to do it. I hate myself sometimes. Unadulterated loathing. I can hardly find a reason to wake up in the morning. Which I think is a more common theme in the present than we as a society think. Most of us are depressed and looking for a purpose. Like Fight Club said we all were brought up to believe that we would be movie stars or rock gods but instead of being pissed off  that we are not; we've been beaten into submission thinking that none of this shit matters and why even try. And that's just sad, because while there are many problems that we cannot help we should not feel the burden of those proble

Listening to the offspring, drunkish or perhaps just generally shitty. Can hardly tell the difference anymore. Unhappy or happy, what’s the fucking difference? It’s subjective, maybe even a zero-sum game. What’s the point to one person’s happiness when it’s barred by the knowing of others unhappiness? Maybe these thoughts will get me into heaven, maybe hell because the only reason I think of them are because they’re virtuous. I’d like to think they are not the product of self-saving virtuoism. Fell asleep at work today because I got too fucked up the night before. Only reason I write this is because now I’ll have to think of some excuse or lie to tell my boss when he asks where I was. Which I always do and get away with. Perhaps with the caveat that he’ll think less of me for it, but that’s a sunk cost. I don’t think about sunk costs. At least I try not to. Most of what I type is bullshit and can be easily argued. But I don’t really give a fuck. Because what is a person’s thought